like cherry jell-o

i love happy entries. but even better, happy feelings like ... (haha i hate being poetic because i'm so BAD at it... always sounds so cheesy. so i'll leave this blank) SO. it is the first day of the new year 2008. people say they've had good feelings about this year, and since I don't always trust my gut feeling, i'll trust theirs. I hope, too, this will be a good year. 8 is a sign of wealth for the Chinese, a lucky number.

right now, though, i'm just happy for my new computer that i got yesterday. i suppose it could compensate for the two whole months that my other computer went missing for. I guess. haha... well, it's white first of all. which is why i named it "white chocolate". because i wasn't very fond of its color at first, just as i don't really like the taste of white chocolate. hehe... i guess that's the secret meaning. usually all my electronic stuff i prefer to have it in black. because it's sleeker and classier. but as i've used it more and more, i've come to like it more and more. i really like how easy the keyboard is to use, for example. PLUS the extra stuff doesn't hurt either.  

1. it's bigger screen, maybe 1~ inch wider.

2. it's written "special edition" on the top and on the bottom of the mouse pad! hehe well it means it's been customized for me! yay

3. it has a fingerprint scanner

4. they included a wireless mouse that matches the computer theme color

5. a nice headest with same theme color too

6. a 12-ion battery instaed of a 6-ion (though i'm not so sure if that's a plus because it makes my computer stick up )

7. microsoft office vista (!!!) not just the trial version!

so i'm very happy. and daddy sounds very happy over email too  right now i feel very very CONTENT. like i'm relaxing in a hot tub at the 4 Seasons in Bali. omigooooodnness... so good. hahaha. well i knoww these feelings don't last forever. but for the few moments that it lasts, those are the moments that i'll remember in the future; when i look back on these times, these happy feelings later tint my recollections, making them seem so much brighter. and this is exactly what i'm appreciating right now...

...and i my family. i've just begun to realize just how lucky i've been. how WELL we get along. that's kind of the problem though, and this is what makes separation for us all so hard. which reminds us all that... well, this IS earth. can't be perfect, right? it would be too easy if we were all together all of the time. thinking about this makes me realize - i guess these people ARE my best friends. they're the only people who know everything about me, the people who can make me happy...

well this is it. here's to the start of 2008.

cheers.

I'm happy . I'm done with my quizzes and tests and midterms this week. The weather is finally cooling down. I went to the AFC yesterday and worked out, so my happy endorphins have been stimulated. I just went home last weekend so I feel refreshed with good physical and spiritual home food. My alarm clock startles me awake in the morning now, so i won't miss the classes I don't want to. I skipped chem lecture this morning and slept in till 11 am. I love the yellow color of my bed - i wonder why i never thought of yellow for a bed color before? I love the coral red color of my nail polish today. I love listening to music. I love being with the people I love.

I've never before felt so overwhelmed with schoolwork. I've always felt like I've had a handle on things. When people doubted me on my courseload, I've never put them down before. Somehow, I managed to pass, and not only to pass, but to excel. Looking back now, I wonder, was it that much easier before? Or was it just that I was lucky? Did I somehow lose my brainpower? Because school is so much more difficult for me now. I can't seem to find enough time for all that I want to do, and my scores are not up to my standards. If I have the time to do the work, I can't conjure up enough energy to finish it. Maybe it's just that I don't want to do it... maybe it's that I overestimated myself. I think I hate admitting this. And I'm uneasy with the fact that people here are so much smarter than me, and intelligence is very much like talent rather than the result of one's effort. It's almost like the ability to see, you either do or you don't. My lenses seem fogged up right now, because I can't always see straight through to the point. The ideas seem to evade me; when I reach out to grasp them, they slip from my fingers. I wish I had that ability to penetrate, to percieve the abstract and to pin it down on paper. I really need to do that to succeed. I know what it is I lack, but I'm not sure if I can have it. All I hope is that my hard work will be enough.

A Tribute to High School

Summer is a hair's breadth away; in precisely one half-day I will be out of high school. Forever. Like Lisette said earlier today, these times are the epitomy of bittersweetness. Obviously, I'm sad to leave and part from these people but I'm also happy to be free of its tiresome bondage and high school drama. More subtly, though, I am proud of the goals I've achieved but regretful over the chances I didn't take, the inchoate friendships that broke off too shortly to have a chance to truly form. These four years have surprised me; I had such different expectations of high school. Almost fairytale-like expectations. And although I must admit not all my expectations were fulfilled, I must also do them the justice of gratitude because they had been there to give me hope, to allow me to seek for some form of their being fulfilled. No, we didn't have crisply ironed uniforms with elaborate insignias on the breastpockets, but I'm grateful anyway for the mish mash we did have. For the crappy bathrooms and runny sinks, the suffocated hallways and coarsely-written grafitti. The teachers who cared and loved and gave us support, and the teachers who didn't quite do the same. The friends we hold dear to our hearts like life-sustaining water, and others slicked up with grease or vanilla icing. The mass-produced tacos, french fries, pizza, and cookies, the water fountains that fail to spout enough water to reach our lips. The thousand assignments they tied around our ankles to weigh us down like lead, the late hours we spend that would have burned a million candles had we no electricity. The music from orchestra that played in my head like a broken record for the rest of the day; the concerts, trips, and performances we gave to a sighing, uncaptivated audience. (well, on the rare occasion, someone might actually perk up and lean forward a bit to listen, but then he'd yawn and stretch back on the seat) The sports teams we were a part of, the blood, sweat, and tears that mingled together with our passionate thirst for victory. The cheers that resounded in the gym or in the open air, that flourished along with success or were strangled, choked by our losses.

These are what I remember now and what I should think I'll remember later. There are thousands other flecks that buzz in my head, but they seem to refuse being pinned down on paper because I can't quite catch them quickly enough. Such is the human mind that memory is so fleeting. We are like butterfly catchers in a field, swinging and netting those things that fly on wings, that will later form into memories that will either cling to you or fly away.

It's a funny feeling when you find out that someone doesn't need you anymore. I dunno - a mixture of sadness and relief? Probably depends on the person, but maybe... maybe I'm just done with trying so hard to maintain a friendship. I don't need it, I'll live without you.

And it's so... disappointing when you get your expectations dashed. I had such high hopes for people, I really thought they had enough... different morals to live with. I had no idea. Okay, maybe a very faint idea, but... I really believed in you. And just the idea, the recollection of... I don't really want to think about it. Hm.

Girls can be such backstabbing fiends. I suppose if I had a better sixth sense, I could understand the unspoken world. I know some people have a really keen social intelligence - but I can honestly and brutally admit that my SI is pretty darn low. Hah. Is this really the case? Or does everyone feel it too? I get befuddled in my idea of a relationship with someone... but I can't live in a masquerade.

*     *     *

Kay came home today from Paris! We picked her up at the airport at 3:15 p.m.; there were so so many people at the airport today, especially at the international arrival gate. Usually when we pick daddy up there are only Korean people and a few African people. Today there were those and european people too (can tell from the clothes they wear... stylish! Not like t-shirts and sweats for an 8-hour flight like we Americans. haha).

Got home and helped her unpack. Got oleh oleh =) Let's see... a salmon v-neck Zara knit sweater, an eiffel tower keychain, a heart necklace, a green french notebook with a million blue boxes on each page, it's really weird, their stationery. Not to mention boxes of french foods... yum!

Next week is my last week of school. FINALLY. I can take a deep breath and let it all go. Kind of sad too, though. Graduation parties coming up... I wonder (since I've never had one), how a party for ME would be like. I mean, not a family party because I have those every year, but a real biiiiiig party. Anyway, the point is... I don't know exactly what to get for grad presents. I mean, kinda awkward, huh, since I'm graduating too? Maybe stuff from Halmark or some other similar gift store. Kinda expensive, though, and, what if the party is for three people, but you only really know two? Complicated...

I'm actually a bit nervous about graduation. Caps, gowns, dresses... aftergrad. I guess I'm not excited because I'm too busy worrying about it. Worrying that things won't go the way they're supposed to. Okay. STOP. I have to NOT worry and think I'll have fun.

Oh boy... that's all, I think. At least, that I want to talk about, anyway. I'm such an introvert that half of the stuff I'm thinking about don't even make it on this page that no one looks at. Oh well. Everything's in my head, anyway. Lots of fluff and stuff...